Holding On to Our Kids

There’s one thing that should be more important to Montessorians than supporting independence.

And that’s supporting attachment.

Attachment extends far beyond the first year of life, with its focus on baby-wearing and co-sleeping. These are both very important practices, don’t get me wrong!

But as our kids grow, we often push them towards independence and by so doing, we inadvertently break the attachment bond precisely when it needs to remain strong to counter the external pressures of society on our still-developing children.

So what do lunches have to do with attachment? When my children started taking five hours of enrichment classes away from home once a week, I thought it would be a wonderful opportunity to support their independence by teaching them to pack their own lunches. We set up a system and they were clearly capable of making a balanced lunch.

But instead of feeling competent and capable, both children became sad and withdrawn. They pushed back against making their own lunches, even though within the home they happily demonstrated a high level of independence. I puzzled over what could be causing this… And then it hit me: it was their lunches. More specifically, it was the MEANING they tied to their lunches.

For the five years we had been homeschooling, I would pack lunch boxes when we were going on outings. We all ate the same things, at the same time, from the same type of boxes, and it was a time for conversation and connection.

Now that they were going away from home, they needed something tangible that would allow them to feel close as they navigated far from their safe zone. In the words of Dr. Gordon Neufeld, “It’s our job to hold on to our children, not the other way around.”

My willingness to make lunches for them allowed them to feel “held” and cared for. And demonstrating my care serves not just my kids, but the broader society, because as Dr. Neufeld reminds us, “when a child feels cared for, they pass it on.”

There’s no moral to this story. Take from it what you will. I’ll be in the kitchen packing lunches and holding on to my kids so they can let go when they’re ready.